Righty, so it has been three weeks on Elsa and there is so much to talk about but in this instance let me tell you about “Scary Noises”

This is taking a while to get used to :-

Shower Pump :- A shower pump is quite simple, it is designed to pump water out of the boat but it makes such loud gurgling / splashing noises it sounds like it is pumping water into the boat. This plus the fact that your son decides to take a shower at 2am in the morning (Who needs to shower at 2am in the morning ???) = A man waking up in absolute panic (did I mention that the pump is situated under our bed !!!!!), grabbing clothes, bags, waking the dog, contemplate waking Sonia and getting ready to abandon ship thinking that we were all about to meet our doom and a watery end.

Morning Boat Groans :- Elsa has a habit of waking you early in the morning with the most obscene groans and creaks. It sounds like she is alive and any minute now she is going attack us in our beds (anyone watched “Monster House” ?) Of course it would be Sonia that goes first as I have already had three weeks to plan my escape route and ensure my survival. These noises are simply wood / metal movement when temperatures etc change but let me tell you it still leaves me sleeping with one eye open just in case Elsa becomes hungry.

Bubbles :- All day and all night we can hear (loud) bubbles doing their thing under our boat, at first I thought this was a team of underwater river pirates about to surface, board our boat and hold us all for ransom. It turns out (according to our neighbours who are now my immediate go to when things start to scare me) that this is simply air from rotting vegetation on the bottom of the river bed / underneath your boat. The warming air and increased sunshine makes this happen ………or we can go with the river pirate theory, either way this does make me check to ensure that we are not in fact sinking, there is no water coming into the boat and that all is safe, remember we are barge virgins and new things will take time to become the norm.

Sinister Knocking Noises :- We often hear random knocking noises coming from all areas of the boat, this sounds exactly like someone knocking at the front door (sometimes it is) This has been going on now for three weeks and until a few days ago Charley and I were convinced that Elsa was haunted (please bare in mind the boat groans above) I was sitting on the deck (avoiding all the spiders) when I heard the same knocking noise coming from the side of the boat, armed with a  deck chair I found a duck with a mouthful of green algae pecking away at the hull. Now that I have found the culprit/s I am placing a recipe for a Mild Duck Curry outside the boat in the hopes that this sends a message (Watch your backs ducks)

Let me tell you that the above noises are only a fraction of what keeps us up at night, I will continue to investigate each noise to ensure that we are not being taken over by river pirates or to ensure that the gateway to hell has not been opened and we are about to meet our maker.

That is it for now folks.